I'm feeling home sick today. And it has really made me realize as much as I hate my home town, I love it.
I do. I love it. I love the people that I have met there, most of them at least. I love the stupid bullshit that occurs there. I love being able to walk into my favorite places to rot, know everyone by name and be able to talk about anything from politics to how the weather is and be able to come back the next day and do it again.
I love my bars, my hack mall, my shitty jobs and the shitty economy.
But it makes me want to do more. There is a very steady trend in Alpena, MI of everyone hating everything and we've got a lot to be angry about. Once upon a time, Alpena was growing, but now you're sorely pressed to see anything new aside from a nursing home, a hospital expansion or a restaurant and we hate it.
We complain about it constantly, but there is something even worse that we do which we never complain about or give blame to... We do nothing.
We do nothing to better our city or to attract tourism in a real fashion. We do not attend meetings, make committees or work towards bettering the town as a whole. In stead, we sit around and wish that someone would do it for us. We gripe, moan and bitch, even wish for a better town, vowing to move and never come back rather then focusing on our own little city.
I love Alpena. I have pride in it. It's a small town with a far more open mind then anyone gives it credit of. We have things to do, beaches, parks, safe neighborhoods and it's actually very pretty to look at no matter what the season is.
So I'm issuing a challenge. I'm issuing a challenge to all my equally unsatisfied friends, family and who ever to stand up with me and try to make it a better place. No lies, No fakes and I'll stand up alone if I have to, but you better believe it when I say if I begin this, I am not going to stop so easily. There are so many artists and ideas to be shared. So many things that make our little town amazing that everyone forgets and so many more places to go with it.
My challenge. Stop bitching and do something. From this moment forward, all complaints will be responded with," Well what are -you- doing to change that?"
Sorry ladies. I am about to blow some of our best kept secrets right of the water here on this one. You can hate me if you want to, but it's about time we come clean.
We are just as nasty as men. No, some of us may no fart in public, burp, swear, pick our noses or hack up lung oysters... But we're nasty in our own, very unique rights...
1. We smell everything on ourselves...
Everything. We do so in private or extremely craftily, but we sniff check everything. Happen to put our finger in our belly button while in bed, we sniff it. Spontaneous sex proposal? First chance we get, the hand is in our pants and we're snuffin' our residual business to make sure everything is A+. Some of us even go so far as to taste test. Yes.. We do. Don't deny it. You may or may not do everything on this list, but don't you dare deny the fact that you know as well as I do the majority of us ladies do it...
2. We fart into our vagina's.
Pretty self explanatory. Maybe not right on up in there, but once more I will call you out if you even try to tell me you have not done the fart bubble shuffle. Hey.. It's hot air... And air bubbles plus fleshy folds equals the occasional trapped stink sphere...
3. We hate shaving.
This isn't so much a gross factor as it's just... a thing. We hate it.. And if we know we're not hopping on the bang wagon or are with someone we've grown comfortable with... Bring on the " Sloppy sloth"... Which would be slang for the tremendous bush we have decided to turn into a Wetlands Sanctuary.
Oh look! They cranes have begun their nesting! 4. The Period check dab and swipe...
If you think you know what I'm talking about... Then you do it and no further explanation is needed.
5. We will discuss everything.
Everything. If we're comfortable, there is nothing off bounds to us. We will get into the nitty gritty about the birthing process, our periods, our sex life and our bowel movements. No really. And we do it mostly seriously. This isn't exactly " gross" but I have never once heard a man try to describe to his male friends the location of an in-grown hair on his testicle and how he managed to lance it.
6. When we do shave, we are not above secretly using our male counter part's razor
What... they work better. They just do...I mean. We're already doing master yoga poses in the shower as it is, might as well have a tool that's not going to puss out while we're at it.
Those are just five of the nasty things we do and I know there are more. Ladies, don't be shy! Leave me your nasty habits in the comments!!!
I support gays, lesbians, transgender, cross-dressers, bi-curious, bi-sexual, pan-sexual, a-sexual, heterosexual...well, let's make it short and say I support being attracted to any adult consenting partner you choose. Period. End. Don't care. If that means you want to rocket off your palm babies for the rest of your life in solitude, by all means do it. Clam jam, ass-pack, diddle the rosebuds and scissor-me-timbers.
Today as we all know, gay marriage is being examined by the supreme court and there are a lot of arguments against it... But none of them that don't sound like a shit load of grasping for straws to me.
We live in a country where we can have an opinion, no matter that opinion and say it out loud, proud and as awesomely as we want to.. Or as crappily as we want to.
There is only one argument against gay marriage I will accept. One. And it's not a good one, it's not one I support and it's not even one that is suitable, but at least it's honest and one that I can understand.
" I personally believe that homosexual marriage is gross and I don't like it."
Just fucking say it. Stop making excuses. Stop bullshitting yourself and everyone with fragile 'reasons' and say it. At least then we don't feel the need to continue to provide examples of how you're an idiot.. Like statistics, quotes and sound reason. I mean.. If you just said that, most of us are going to respond with " Why?!" and all you have to do is go, " I just do..." and we'll likely drop it.. mostly because you're a hopeless cause, but at least you were the only god damned honest lost cause.
At which point, this becomes what is should be and always has been, a fight for equal human rights no matter who you choose to bump ugly's with.
Aint no fair when someone else get's sprinkles and you have to eat your plain vanilla cone...
By sprinkles I mean get married... and by vanilla cone I mean fabulous sex they wish they had...
But the message is the same. We all deserve some motherfucking sprinkles.
Or at least until you give her a good reason not to...
It's a true statement and anyone who has worked in food service will back me up on this. We hate you. We hate everything about you. We hate that you're stealing our smoke break, we hate that you walked in right when we were trying to accomplish something. We hate you because you walked in and for the first time that day, we're trying not to accomplish something.
Sometimes we're more specific in our hate. We hate your laugh or perhaps the way you appear look down on us. The fact that you can't remove your eyes from our tits, or that you believe because we're waiting tables we must be unsuitable for any other sort of "real" job.
Oh yes.. we loath you in every possible way.
Now, before you get all uppity and " Why, oh why Jessica?! That's absurd! How dare you..." or something along those lines.
We hate you most of all because -you- are in control of our primary source of income.
We all know, or should know, that waitresses and waiters make.. Well.. nothing. They make shit-for-all on the general scale of income save in a few savvy areas of the country, but what everyone tends to forget is that most employers literally depend on you, the diner, to pay for their employee.
When a member of waitstaff quits a waiting job, their reason isn't " My paychecks weren't large enough," it's " I don't make shit in tips!". Now, we could say that this is because of the service provided, but let me tell you what, the waitress is the face of an establishment and therefore the whipping boy.
Food isn't cooked right, it's the waiter's fault. I have personally have been handed fish from a chef and taken it to a table raw in the middle. Not once, not twice, but three times while being assured each time with " It's completely done.. I'll ruin it if I leave it in longer." I will tell you this, it wasn't the chef who lost 15% from the meal value on their check or took a hit in any sort of way.... It was this guy right here. Why? Out of sight, out of mind.
You really have to suck at your job as a waitress to have someone ask for the manager, and even then, most of the time, -you- are the problem. In everything, there are humans that just suck at being human. There are some customers that simply cannot be pleased and there is waitstaff that should never be allowed to touch a plate, but honest to god, in this world, it's generally the former. Shitty waitstaff doesn't last very long... Shitty diners? Well.. we haven't figured out a legal way to get rid of you fuckers yet.
But back to the prime point... You are responsible for nearly over half our pay. OVER HALF! A lot of times even more then that! The average waitress is paid around $40.00 to $120.00 a week respectively. This varies also when examining geographical location.
Now, you tell me if you can make any sort of head way with those numbers and get back to me.
No? Well then...
Right away we have a situation where both parties feel they "deserve" better. The diner better service and the waitstaff better customers.
As a whole, waiting tables is a form of theatrics. We have to make you like us. Simply serving a table isn't going to make you leave us a tip that's worth our while. You know it, we know it. So right off the rip, we feel as though we're being judged and as a whole, human beings don't respond well to being judged. We just don't.
With just these circumstances covered, you can begin to gather why we hate you. Add the other responsibilities that have to get done during opening hours or within a half hour of closing, dash on that most waitstaff doesn't get paid for any amount of after hour pick up (If somewhere closes at 8pm and your closing chores aren't finished until 8:45pm.. sorry for your luck. Yes it's illegal but you try doing something about it) sore feet, working with the public in general (This goes for any job. You work with the public, you hate the public) taking orders from strangers and an equally crabby, sweaty cook or chef who is, 96.8% of the time an asshole and considers themselves head and shoulders above you in intellect.. And well, you should be happy you're not getting daily skin graphs from having hot liquids dumped on your sensitive bits.
Or getting close and personal with one of these guys in your hash browns.
But there is an upside! All it takes is a smile and a joke.. Hell even a "Waiting tables sucks..." Next time you're waitress looks out of sorts, try simply being kind to them. They are waiting on you, praying for your kindness. We understand the economy sucks, probably more then anyone and at the end of the day, the all mighty dollar is still less important then our fellow man. Just be a human. They're doing their best and honest to god, we don't want to hate you. We really don't. I can't tell you how many times that " one customer" turned my shit day around with a wink and a " You did a great job". At that point, I didn't give a damn what they laid on the table for tip. That gesture meant more to me then any amount of money ever did, even with all things considered...No, it's not -your- job... But its a hell of a nice god damned thing to do... And even if you don't, we'll never show you that we hate you. We'll simply continue to visualize beating you to death with a coffee cup. ^^'
Send me articles, stories, questions, hell... Even random words and I will rant, rave and share my opinion on them.
Have a cause you want shared? Send it my way.
Have a story you want to tell but can't? I'll give 'er hell.
Want to chew someone out but cant? Dish me the details and I will alter what I must and claw them a new orifice from which they can defecate!
I will also be sharing my favorite videos, blogs, VideoBlogs and more here, so stay tuned.
I am also happy to advertise for my friends!! *winkwink*
Being 24, broke and intelligent sucks, and not just a little. It sucks a whole lot. Like... Megaton knob-slobbing that would make amateur porn-stars gape in wonder at the majestic power of suck-hood.
But let's break that down a bit more. Certainly, there is waaaaay more to it then just being broke, young and extremely restless. I really think it comes down to the base fact that I am aware of my position. It didn't take me long to realize I am as suited for academics as (and I am stereo-typing here) aforementioned amateur adult stars are, however, I am smart enough to know how horrible that is. (I will add here that it only took me about $10,000 of student loan debt to get there...) I'm also smart enough to know how horrible going to an institute of higher learning with no real goal in mind and no idea as to what I want to be when I grow up is... You see the problem yet?
There is a difference between being educated and attending a college. Yes, yes there is. And in a perfect world, the educated would be allowed to prove themselves through dedication.. Hard work... They would smash barriers and up lift themselves earning a living wage, investing in the future generations... All that fanciful shit we idolize, but the hard cold fact is that this is not the world we live in.
I would like to add here, that having a degree doesn't make that the world you live in either.
Which brings me back to the topic of suckage and it's base root in that I as an adult, intelligent, hard working, stressed as fuck-all, Peter Pan generation member am aware that there really is nothing I can do.
This realization is even more staggering (and I mean staggering in that I'm fairly sure I've subconsciously tried to drink those particular brain cells that lead me to this conclusion into oblivion a hand full of times) then the former.
So here, dear.. what.. three of you who will read this... Here is my public soap box to stand on, flap my arms, thump my chest, burn my god damned bra and stomp me feet. All admissions are non-refundable and just like the theater, I will rape your wallet on concessions.
